Goodbye To You

In all the time I've been keeping this blog I've realised how little people actually know about me. The fact that I seem all sweetness and light, or witty and satirical, or sometimes down right stupid when tweeting is, I suppose, nice in it's own right. In truth, things have never been easy for me. I don't want to air my grievances over blogger, because that's life, right? You have to plug on and get on with things no matter what happens, no matter what is thrown at you. It goes on.

I've just been slapped in the face again.

My nan died in the early hours of Friday morning. There is a story to tell here, but now is not the time or the place. Nan and I were close. I spent three weeks living with her before moving down to Central London in September. She took me in. She always took me in. She always looked out for me. The one person I could depend upon for guidance, cuddles, even stupid things like girlie advice, what to do with my hair. That was my nan. She was sixty nine. Not old. So back to Wales. No one wants to take responsibility for organising a funeral, being 19, I don't want to either. But I owed this woman so, so much. She was my role model in life, she cared when no one else wanted to know.

I'm still breathing, still surviving, I'm doing this for her.

So this is for you Nan, I raise my glass of diet coke to you. I hope you enjoy it, you were awesome.

For Nana Pierce, I love you.

Ave Maria

Encompass us in your light,

Your safety, and energy, so bright.

Although your time with us was spirited away

I know your free and will sing one day

Ave Maria, Full of Grace

I smile and remember the lines of your face.

Ave Maria.

An honest heart, a precious soul,

Your eyes sparkled daily, your smile was like gold,

Your hands were so gentle, and always serene

So many things that you leave here with me,

So many memories, The Lord is with thee,

Ave Maria, Full of grace

Ave Maria.

You gave me a reason to live every day,

You taught me to love, you taught me to play.

I know that your watching, please don't fade away

You'll be remembered in the sun's final ray.

Ave Maria, blessed are thou

Ave Maria.

A white feather falls from your wings,

As you unfold them and the choir sings,

The whitest of flutters, falls to the Earth,

Whispering, waiting for the hour of rebirth.

I'll love you always, My saviour

My Grace,

Ave Maria.

Even the deepest blues are black

Friends, the people in our lives we most take for granted. This is for you.

Masque

How did we get here when the road ahead is black?

Turning in circles too scared to look back,

Moving ever onwards into the great unknown,

Afraid of becoming stagnant, of turning to stone.

Unsure of how I found you

Too scared to let you go,

Petrified of your newness

My head keeps saying no.

-----

How did you see me behind my careful mask?

Was it some kind of kinship, or some kind of task?

Why do I doubt your motives, and push you away?

Instead of cherishing what I've been given, please stay.

Unsure of who I am,

Too scared to find the answer,

My heart beats in my throat

It eats me up like cancer.

-----

I hold your hand too tightly, constricting, breathing,

Still turning in blue circles and hating what I'm feeling.

I want to let you be free of me, to carry on alone,

You'd be better off without me, the girl without a home.

But I've loved you forever,

You know who I am,

So onwards were moving,

I don't give a damn.

-----

Your eyes haunt me, as red as the blood in my veins,

But kindness is all I see behind them, I work, I strain.

I doubt my own instincts, you carry me along,

I'm weak in this journey, your the one who's strong,

You don't have to,

But you continue,

You carry me,

We're almost free.

------

How to move forwards of the chains that have bound me?

To look at the scars that stain and surround my skin, for all to see?

Will I ever be able to move along the path, with your hand in mine?

Is it just a matter of love, or a matter of time?

I'm broken,

A token,

Afraid to leap

Afraid to speak.

-----

Without you there is no path, no where for me to go.

Without you there I loose my way I'm running to and fro.

I learn therefore to ask for help, when I am most in need,

And then I know your more than that, you are a friend indeed.

We dance to a masque

Try to forget our past,

Step by step,

Never looking back.

Getting on with it

This blog has been used as an online diary for far too long! I've been quite productive in the last few days. To think that they hardly give us enough time to think creatively on this course never mind write creatively! Here are two of my latest works.

A bit random but enjoy...

Ode To a Dead Bird

She holds the carcass in her hands

As gently as a child,

He sang her morning reverie

When he was young and wild,

A teardrop forming at her eye,

She holds him to her breast;

He was the only one she loved,

The one who knew her best

-----

She strokes the feather of his wing

His crumpled downy chest,

And holds his coolness to her cheek

The final morbid test,

The teardrops form and finally roll

In tracks down both her cheeks

When she was ill his sorrow song

Comforted her for weeks.

-----

The patch of down upon his chest

Is crumpled white and grey.

The little heart is still within

His soul has flown away.

His tiny dark exotic eyes

She closes with a kiss.

She prays for absolution-

A better place than this.

-----

How she grieves this little girl

For something so contrite,

She wraps him up, puts him to rest

Before the day meets night.

She’s lost him to the otherworld

He sings a different song,

Stolen from her loving hand

It all seems very wrong.

-----

She prays the Lord his Soul to keep

To steer him on his path

The bird who kept her company

The one who made her laugh,

She places him in to the ground,

And covers him with earth

“goodbye my love” she whispers

“You’ll never know your worth”

-----x-----

Loner

I don’t know where to turn

Who to run to

Where to learn?

I don’t know who wants to know

Where to hide?

Where to go?

-----

Unsure, I slip and fall

To my knees I cannot crawl

I can’t move forwards,

Can’t move back,

There’s too much weight

Upon my back.

-----

I turn on the spot,

I need to hide,

From all the bitterness inside.

I feel so empty

I’m incomplete,

But still I cannot find my feet.

-----

I panic for a little while

Thinking of that extra mile

I push and pull

With all my might

And work too hard

Into the night.

-----

And then the darkness

Takes a hold,

I lost my heart

I lost my soul.

I never found that open door,

Just fell over on the floor.

-----

If I move on and loose my way

Will there ever be a day

Where I stand tall?

And through it all

Become who I want to be?

The really “real” me.

My Love

You're the first thing I think of
Each morning when I rise.
You're the last thing I think of
Each night when I close my eyes.

------

You're in each thought I have
And every breath I take.
My feelings are growing stronger
With every move I make.

------

I want to prove I love you
But that's the hardest part.
So, I'm giving all I have to give
To you... I give my heart.

Dreamer

You have come to me from a distant land, 

Dreamer of dreams, to fill my hearts desire,

 Sweet music flowing from your nimble hand 

That plays within... to light my passion's fire.

-----

  A symphony of word and thought you bring.

 Excitement builds upon crescendo's sound, 

Brought forth in tones to make my light heart sing 

For all the beauty that, with you, I've found. 

----- 

A life is changed in just an instant's time,

 All darkness fled before that brillaint sun 

That shines from spoken words of softest rhyme

 And speaks of treasures, only just begun.  

-----

This mystic meeting gives my heart a glow 

That few have seen and only you will know.

-----x------

I awake each day with a smile 
And greet it with a laugh;
 The world is a treasure to me
 Because of you.  
Every time I think of something sad, 
I replace the thought- with you. 
My mind is instantly changed 
And my heart is filled with gladness. 
 Every breath I take is meant for you, 
I live this life surrounded in joy
 And I bathe in the promise of your love,
 My soul belongs to you.  
Each time I see something beautiful 
I want to take it and bring it to you;
 My life has so much meaning now
 All because of you.

Life and Stuff...

Why does everything that seems so easy for other people have to be so complicated for me? Is it perhaps, that I have the most spectacular bad luck in the world? I'm not going to over analyse things too much, but I've been thinking about this for a while. Things that other people find so easy or seemingly easy to do i.e. getting on a train and heading to a friends house, all become a comedy of errors with me. It's farcical it really is. Not even a phone works when I want it to. It develops "Beth's touch of doom" syndrome and conks out.

Ok, take a step back. I've been in London now for two weeks, loving the atmosphere, feeling a little shaky and still finding my feet. I left home under very bad circumstances. My last proper conversation was with a police officer. That's my business and I don't really want to discuss it in a public forum.

I fit in well with the other eccentrics at my new Student House, which is good. Most of them are older, wiser and have worked in media/writing for a few years. Two of us are fresh out of school. My course is the same, I am the youngest person on it. I ask myself the question straight away, should I have taken a year out and gained some life experience? Yes? Well the dirty little secret is that I had plenty of "life" experience before I got to London. But that's another matter entirely.

I become obsessed with getting work in on time. Nothing new there then. But at what cost?

Anyway still feeling a little lost and with no one at home to talk to apart from my nan who has plenty of worries of her own at the moment I don't want to burden her with mine. I suppose that's understandable.

I love my course, I love where I live, I also adore the Uni. The problem therefore must be me. I have adopted this solitary pose like Greta Garbo . I keep beating myself up thinking I'm never going to be good enough. One of the girls on my course drives an Audi TT has already written numerous screenplays and lives in Kensington. What is this I'm feeling? Is it jealousy? Or inferiority? All I know is that I'm putting myself under enormous pressure. I'm succeeding thus far, but being two weeks in and having so much to do and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, I'm feeling the burn! On this course, because there are so few of us were all in competition to be the best of the best. It really is like an episode of the apprentice. Who gets the contract for so and so and who makes the highest quality writing. Ugrh, I blog, write poems and have half a novel-ish. Help!

Also, I keep asking the question, what am I sacrificing here to be the "best of the best"? My sanity, well that's a given, but also something else. Friendship, relationship, my social staple. It seems that I am to surround myself only with the clique that I live, eat and play and work with. I've had no time for anyone else whatsoever.

Apart from feeling a little lost, I'm also a little anxious. Wales--->London= Hellufachange. I've gone from a one train stop tourist trap to living near a one tube every 5 minutes and the map is so confusing I haven't got a clue where I'm going kind of place. I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm happier here, but perhaps feeling a little...vulnerable. That's the word I've been searching for the whole of this blog post and I've only just "got it". Another good one is "exposed". Maybe surrounded by so many and known by so few I can learn to become more social. Well at least learn not to blush so epically when someone new says hello. Maybe learn to stand tall and not run away.

We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

XBX

Trying to make sense of things

I'm a bit ecclectic. Well, more than a bit. I'm also a stroppy mardy and moody cow when I want to be. But, hey I'm an artist I'm allowed to be. One thing I tend to do a lot is analyse. It's a trait of quiet people, we tend to just sit there and watch the world go by, noticing people's traits but never commenting on them.

I got hurt today, just because I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself a few months ago. I found out that someone I had trusted had lied to me. I felt a fool. I still feel like a fool.

I won't go into details, but I know what you did now. I don't like it, and I think your head is fucked. You made me feel like I was the one with all the problems, when actually, it was you all along.

I hope you're happy.

That is all.

My first Uni assignment

Discuss, factually, an important change in your life over the summer. This could be an event/person/loss.

My life is always tumultuous. This is a fact. Most people would argue that a change in circumstances ie. Moving from a Welsh village in the middle of nowhere to the largest city in England would be enough of a life changing event to write factually about. I, on the other hand, having had one of the best summers of my life so far, have decided upon another life changing event. This summer I met someone exceptionally special.

Feeling a little like I’m writing a back to school story in primary here, I would like to give you a little insight into my life before I met this person. Bare with me, I will get to make my point soon enough.

Living in Wales has never been an issue for me. I’m quiet, I enjoyed school, and I participated in school activities, up to a point. I have always known what I have wanted to do with my life. And known that I had to work hard to achieve my goals. So, life was full of schoolwork, occasional visits to London and Cardiff to see friends in University, and not a lot else.

I’ve never fitted in at home for one reason or another. Having lost one of my parents last year I retreated into the safety of myself, not allowing anyone near in fear of becoming hurt. Developing depression, which in itself is debilitating and soul sapping. To be as frank as I can, this was a bleak time. Although studying for AS and A levels. My life was barren. Trying to have some fun was an effort in itself. It was easier to be alone, in my own little world without the issues of having anyone too close to me.

But that was the past.

In April of this year I decided to try Twitter.

Not sure if I was interesting enough to converse with anyone for a length of time, perhaps too shy to initiate a chat. At first I almost gave up on making friends online. But somehow, I met some lovely people from all over the world. And then along came *him*.

Neither of us can quite remember how it happened. I’m sure I must have tweeted him first. But, anyone who knows me would vouch for this; I must have been extremely confident or possessed on that particular day. I assume it was an F1 day, as we have that interest in common, and I must have responded to one of his comments on the race. Very uncharacteristic of me, a girl who has so many defence mechanisms.

Soon after, I found that he was studying in London, close to the University I had chosen for myself. He was attending a course in writing (English and Journalism). He was also a quiet soul, shy, but gentle. Our shared interests grew; we swapped our respective Facebook accounts and MSN. Since that moment we have hardly been apart a full day without speaking to one another; but that is beside the point.

At first, when we began chatting on the IM, I was very weary. But as soon as we started to talk, there were no awkward silences, no regrets from giving him my IM address. We talked about everything, mostly menial things; that meant a lot to both of us. I chatted to him before an exam once when I was studying in the library. I sat that particular exam with a huge smile on my face. Soon we were texting and talking. Something was happening here.

We had shared this friendship for around a month and a half when he went away and I found full time employment. This was probably the turning point in our relationship. He went on a weeklong karting holiday in Le Mans, France. Unable to talk to him via text or MSN I found myself really missing his company. In fact; I hate to admit this as it makes me look very bad; I reverted to staring at his facebook photos for far too long at work. Wishing that he were home. I looked within me to try and grab a piece of reality. This could never work. Could it?

I did what I normally do when I feel angsty, I wrote about it and blogged about it and tried to decipher exactly what was going on in my head. The poetry that I produced all seemed to be about him or about how I was feeling. It was a bit absurd; after all, I’d never met him.

I began to discuss him openly with my friends. Showed them his facebook profile, gained an opinion. Most of them seemed to opt with “go for it”. I felt in the first time in a while, dare I say it, happy. The next big question was how did he feel about me? And should I let him through the barbed wire fence I’d constructed around myself all these years.

Again I think it was I who initiated the discussion upon his return. I knew he read my blog and I was, perhaps hoping is too weak a word, that he would associate one of the poems in particular with the way I was feeling about him. Would he perhaps think that I was writing about someone at home or someone I had met last weekend? I asked him.

The rest is history.

I can without a shadow of a doubt say, that *he* has changed me for the better. I can also add that this summer was possibly the best summer of my life. To summarise, the change in my life was the ability to let someone love me, and above all else, love him back in return. That someone was *him*. Thank you.

Mush is good?

So I hope that I can do short stories to add to my repetoire of new and interesting things!! But I'm returning to my first love for this post, no, not Alistair or F1; poetry!

A few things have happened recently that have made me re-think life. I'm not so much of a pessimist about things any more and it's easier just to go with things sometimes. The willingness to change has come from doing well in my A-Levels, learning more in general about people and the way they react, and God forbid, breaking down the walls that I've protected myself with for so long. I've never trusted anyone to be fair, always doubted motives, and actions. But I've been taught a lesson recently that what you give out, you get back in return.

I feel fortunate to have had a great support network when I've needed someone to cry on. I've come to the conclusion, tears aren't worth wasting on those who never mattered to begin with. I've decided in all honest mush can be good. Here are a few poems I've written in the last dew weeks. Take from them what you will but above all enjoy them!

One Look

My eyes close as you stroke my brow,

I don't know why, I don't know how

this came to be,

This safe warm place called you and me.

You talk to me, your dulcet tones,

They make me drift, for I am home

When your near me and we are free.

-----

I rest my head upon your chest

The time of day that I love best

When we become Us,

We laugh, we talk there's no fuss.

All it took was one look at you

To know all that I felt was true

It was reciprocated in those eyes.

------

I smile a secret little grin

But know that this smile is also within,

Just for you,

These feelings strong and new

They overtook me claimed my heart

Like tiny little works of art

That I hang within my soul.

-----

So take my weary heart with yours.

It may be bruised from closing doors

on my past,

Knowing Us will be at last.

My eyes they look upon yours now

And in my soul I know somehow,

That one look-was all it took

To find the missing half of me.

-----x-----

Meeting

Is it over my sweet friend?
Is it over for goodbye,
Change, the moving change clasped in your hand….
That’s how should it all end?
Is it how we all will be?
Inside we understand…
We stay, pray, cry, love..
Outside we kiss goodbyes..
Ready to jump off the cliff….
Then we are one.

Is it just the interaction this much, in
This life…my sweet friend.
Or must we stretch beyond..
Will you remember me as I should be?
As we were near the start.
We stay pray, cry, love
Outside we kiss good byes
Ready to jump off the cliff..
Then we are one.

This world provided,
Now that I have found you…
From above, we are part….
We are one…
We are some….
We look around,
Bound by the threads….
Tugging each for truth…
We break some, make some.
And take some.

We stay pray, cry, love
Outside we kiss good byes
Ready to jump off the cliff..
Then we are one.

-----x------

Muse

Promise me this,

Nothing is ever to difficult,

No mountain to hard to climb,

No goal too hard too acheive,

No dream too hard to make real.

Work hard

As hard as you can.

You'll get there.

-----

Promise me this,

Walk every road,

take every step

Analyse every day and smile.

Try all things new

Work hard,

As hard as you can.

You'll get there.

-----

Promise yourself,

Live every day to learn,

And learn every day you live.

Believe in yourself,

Be true to you.

Listen to your heart.

Work hard,

As hard as you can.

You'll get there.

-----

So when the dark clouds accumulate

Think of all those steps you take

Never let them get in your way.

You will succeed and have your day

If you've worked hard.

As hard as you can.

You'll get there.

-----x------

Some nice mush, and dare I say it optimism there for you!